“I’m in the store perusing shoes (I love shoes!), there is a woman next to me, and she looks at purple shoes that are to die for and casually throws it down. I quickly utter my OOooooo’s and AAaaaaaa’s and pick up one foot. I look for the other foot puzzled, it was just here! I look around and realize that the same woman who previously gave the shoes her scornful gaze, upon hearing my OOooo’ss and AAaaaaa’s , has now miraculously seen the beauty of said shoe, dived like a woman possessed and captured the other foot and preceded to stare me down, her fight face on. I calmly handed her the other foot. I detected a look of chagrin in her expression, she was fixing for a fight. As I left the store, the woman was at the checkout paying for her purchases, minus the shoes.” ~ LuvNinaSimone
There is a question I continually ask myself. I will have to deem the question rhetorical as I have not received many answers. There however, is a glimmer of understanding based on my experiences and the experiences of other who have been so kind to share personal details with me.
I have always written and spoken about my dedication to authenticity and love. With me and others who have embraced this way of truth, it is always a work in progress.
Living a life of truth is not the easiest thing but it is my resolve.
A number of the people I have informally interviewed are divorcees. I have spoken to people who have had bitter divorces and those who have had amicable divorces.
I found, by no surprise that the most objective points of view have been from those who have bravely sat down and decided that they no longer wanted to be together.
I’ve spoken with both Gen X and Gen Y groups and the answers; viewpoints and experiences were somewhat different.
When I collated all of the information received I found that at a younger age people thought less about what their future would look like with the person they are with; at that time the relationships are driven primarily by sex and the fear of being lonely.
There is usually little thought of the future of a child, should one come of the union. There is a great degree of selfishness. There is little or no thought of how age affects libido, as the males’ decline and females’ increase.
Across the Gen Y group there was the almost total absence of thought of what life would be like when amicable and easy companionship became the most important thing. As they both grew older.
Many of the Gen X group indicate that their separation/divorces were caused by mind-numbing boredom which led to physical and mental distance from each other.
I must confess I got most of this material from the Gen X group as they were older and had been with their respective ex-spouses longer. They had more experiences to share. Most of the relationships survived as long as it did because both were busy raising children and had a blurry period when they didn’t have time to think about themselves or their relationship.
Many of these separations/divorces took place at the advent of the empty nest. When the kids move out of the home or go off the college, these couples had to actually be with each other and talk to each other and most found that there really wasn’t enough to hold them together.
During all my conversations with these groups, most of their relationships were based on the fact that they “made sense” and most everyone spent some time in the beginning going over the pros and cons. He/she was a nice boy/girl and made good money, for the women most chose whoever arrived when their biological clock was ticking at its loudest. And some chose whoever came first after the last one made their exit.
All the experiences that I listened to in a way confirmed some of my own thoughts and musings about love and relationship and further solidified my resolve to do it love’s way.
For my life there has never been and never will be a quality control conveyor belt, there is no revolving door or a bellow of “NEXT!”
My thought is this; if you work on improving yourself in an authentic way and live in that authentic way then your heart and soul is engaged and there is no need for a revolving door of partners.
I am by no means saying that you will get it right the first time but there will be less trial and error.
While I write this, I am reminded of Marvin Gaye, he was such a bright star who was truly loved by many people, both for who he was as a person and for his music. With all this going for him Marvin was a tortured individual unable to come to terms with and get past the things that shamed him about his family. His insecurities destroy him and he found it impossible to love himself even though he was well-loved by most family and friends. He married to propel his career and his romantic relationships were dysfunctional at best. Tragically he descended into drug abuse which led to paranoia and this eventually contributed to his demise.
This of course is a worse case scenario but so much can come of our insecurities and our inability to show love to ourselves.
If we have to spend our time defending our relationship or convincing ourselves why it is the best thing for us then we have a problem. It’s really not that hard, no rocket science involved.
If you are confident and happy with whom you are, imperfections and all, you will be able to see the one who face you and know with minimum doubt whether you want to go down that road.
So many people spend their life looking past the one right in their sightline to the trail of dust left by the one who got away.
Many do not give enough credit to the heart and its pull, but for me that is what I honour.
It is real and truly what you crave and do not require a blueprint or pie chart for decision making.
Many are so enslaved with the opinion of others, what is politically correct and what things look like on the outside that they do themselves a disservice.
My take on the matter is that you have to first be free to embrace love. Both love of self and love for others.